 : The Quirks Of Arcade Shoot-em-ups
Written: 31st December 2009
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After taking the time out of my busy schedule of playing the Sims while masturbating with an instruction manual, I began watching some retro videos of old games i played as a young child. One of them was of course, the arcade shoot-em-up. And i noticed some bullshit I thought you should know. But then again, i thought the same of the Sims too, so I guess you can't expect anything more interesting that the usual bitching about expansion packs.
The axe wielding moron:
Usually, you spend the majority of your time shooting guys with guns and black glasses. But this individual decides to selfishly deviate from normality, by sporting a goatee and a Marty McFly style 'life preserver' and 3 quarter shorts. He also wears boots fit to climb the ridiculously high areas that a free-runner could not scale. Basically, you have a flamboyantly gay dressed rapist man with 1 or 12 axes hidden up his ass who can climb buildings like a homosexual Spider-man without his costume. (I didn't notice the difference between them either) he further decides to get up your ass like he does with his lovers every Saturday night by emerging while you're dealing with a normal villain with a gun so he can throw a perfectly aimed axe right in between your eyes before disappearing again as if he has a body behind his cover that he needs to rape. The body probably have as few axe holes that he puts his cock into as well. There's always been a moment where you ran into him again and subsequently loaded several rounds into his face before finishing him off by shoving that axe up his ass where it belongs.
Mr Important:
An equally annoying individual who thankfully isn't trying to kill you with a ranged attack. Instead, he does it by magically transferring his death upon you, when he dies after walking into the path of an exchange of automatic gunfire to inform you that he needs help. Usually, he'll helpfully emerge from cover when the guy in the sunglasses about a meter away begins opening fire on the police officers arriving on the scene. Why he decides to do this when people are shooting and not when everyone has finished is beyond me, but i tend to liken this person to a moron born in the late 1980s or early 1990s, as this type of 'person' is usually the only one stupid enough to walk into an exchange of gunfire without the fear of turning into a monument for Swiss cheese.
The guy hiding between your legs:
While exchanging fire, you'll sometimes notice something odd going on. Then you'll suddenly notice a previously invisible individual standing 2 meters in front of you within your line of vision brandishing a gun. Or maybe, instead, you'll see a man dressed in ninja garb holding a sharp object emerge from his imaginative hiding place of right under your fucking nose. Then you act surprised when they attack and you have no time to react. Well, you see, you are a victim to a very common form of attack in a shooter in an arcade cabinet. Far be it from me to tell you what the fuck these guys were doing in front of your nose while you, naturally, focus your attention to some goons hiding behind a car holding pea shooters or a Mr Important running through the battlefield with no regard of his safety.
You can pick up guns by shooting at them:
After accidentally shooting a crate next to an enemy, you can probably; rather excitedly, find a floating weapon, spinning in mid-air with a neon sign pointed at it from above, levelling it an 'AUTOMATIC, YOU PONCE'. After shooting it, instead of the expected explosion of chemicals, or the far more likely event of the gun simply falling from it's suspension to the ground, the gun instead, rudely replaces your current weapon until all of the ammunition is depleted, wherein it then probably floats off and hides in another box for some Mr Important to find so he can look into the barrel and see if he can see the bullet coming out when he pulls the trigger.
The cops only have the budget of a convenience store:
There's always two of you. Two guys always arrive to bust the perps, by shooting them without a warning to drop their weapons, or even before they have a chance to draw them. Fucking hell, guys, this isn't Miami! I'm surprised you can afford your revolvers or even a gun, it's amazing you passed basic training when you can't follow the police handbook of shouting 'freeze, police!' or 'this is your final warning before we open fire!' You guys probably are the only cops in the city with the physique of an american football player, so it won't surprise me if one of you takes off one your shoes during a firefight and throws it when the gun's magazine runs out. And the chief of police? Buddy, get some cops who aren't spending most of their time at Dunkin' Donuts. No, actually, hire some cops who can fit through a doorway without the assistance of lubrication or the fire department.
The boss owns a superweapon:
Wait, you have all these goons when you have the horizontal jackhammer that fires off flaming molotov bullets at 5mph and at 20rpm? Hell, why do you use that giant chaingun with your bare hands if you can withstand a tanks-worth of bullets to the chest without backing down? Just jump down from the helicopter outside your skyscraper and rip out the cop's throat with your bare hands. What the hell right? You can withstand that much gunfire, surely it's easier just to jump down from that overkill gun, and take the level of damage equivalent to a paper-cut for a normal person, when you can just walk up to the guys shooting you and throw them out the window with your strength? With the strength you have, why don't you leap across the room and throw them into the cargo hold of the helicopter and fly it into a building, leaping from it and surviving a fall of 80 stories? Hell, it'll hurt, but you'll still have a 10th of your health bar left from the fall. I can't imagine how much cocaine you snorted to get that much will to live, but I know one thing, Tony Montana could get a few tips from you, buddy.
- Mr Montmorency
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